Show Notes

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Set the table: We’ve got another guest. Leslie's husband, Jim, who does conflict resolution for a living

 

Segment 1: Stuff that causes domestic conflict

 

Ryan: 20 years married, what kind of stuff becomes conflict? 

Jim: 

 

• With Leslie?  Nothing. (Ha ha.)

• It’s not the big things - crises and disasters will, over time, be the easier things to navigate - interpersonal conflict recedes in the face of the shared problem.

Ryan - what about the small things?

• It’s the small things you have to work on - over time, repetitive, don’t engage our focus in the way that, say, a flood or pandemic; our guard is down

• Divide them into some subjects, some behaviors.  

• Subjects are exactly what you’d predict: Money. Kids. In-laws. Chores.

• Behaviors - less obvious, require more thought, but not conceptually hard to manage. Key: this is a Partnership.  Doesn’t sound sexy, but it is the cornerstone- applies to everything, even sex, really.  

Leslie - back to the behaviors...

• • Attention - eye contact

  • Listen - 

  • Understand the rough edges - what matters?

  • Call your own fouls

  • Partners share duties - but also authority

  • Parenting - drown baby

• The most common problem: score keeping. 

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Segment 2:  The golden question of conflict

 

Ryan: if you could give one bit of insight

 

Jim:

• What are we in conflict about - we’re adults, so we can call them ‘fights’

• Why are we in conflict - reality 

• Prevention - over the horizon

• Recognize

• Identify

• Frame

• Build towards resolution

• What’s your goal? 

 

Closing:  Final bits.